I feel that I should start this post as openly as I can. It has been far too long since I wrote anything on here and the truth is that I had started invisibly, even to myself, falling back into a state of depression. I did not notice it happening, but I can in retrospect link it to my son starting school. After dropping my children off I would come home and feel a lifelessness and loneliness within my home, although at the time I did not recognise that this was what it was. When both of my children were at nursery I never experienced this aura in my house. But that was definitely what it was. I started becoming very mindless and forgetful, neglected simple every day tasks, stopped taking any pride in my appearance, ate poorly and found myself putting on cartoons more and more often for the children instead of engaging with them. I was also incredibly tired, often going to bed soon after my children and then hitting the snooze button multiple times the following morning. All this time though I couldn’t put my finger on what exactly was going on. This was not depression as I had experienced before. I wasn’t spending my days gripped with anxiety, I wasn’t crying hourly and I wasn’t carrying out my obsessions or compulsions. But then, out of the blue, I was standing in the school playground watching my children play one afternoon, and I felt overcome with a complete loneliness. Before I knew it, I was crying. I wasn’t sobbing, but tears just poured out and I could not stop them or even fully explain them to passers by. I felt like I was crying for everything, but also for nothing. Soon after this episode, my children had their half term break and I found myself more able to relax and do some introspective soul searching. I made myself a doctors appointment and, as always, I was heard and felt completely safe. We spoke a bit about all that I had been doing this year and my doctor stated that I could have reached a stage where my body was feeling ‘burnt out’ and needed me to stop ‘doing’ and to just ‘be’. She also organised some blood tests for me to see if there was anything else underlying that could be causing my tiredness (they came back showing lower iron levels for which I now take supplements for). It was about this time that I came to the realisation that I was becoming lonely, and that this was what the strange feeling in my home was. With my son starting school, my daughter’s nursery drop offs had become quick ‘ins and outs’, when before I would pass the time with fellow nursery parents at a more leisurely pace. Then in the school playground, drop offs for many parents and families have become a chance for them to step back into the working life, something that I have yet to do. I feel that, as my children’s worlds get bigger, mine has become smaller. I do not go to toddler groups or book bug sessions with fellow mothers any more. That time has past for me. I didn’t realise until now how much I enjoyed those groups, and how much I do miss them.
Please know that if you are reading this that I am not expecting a pity party. Anything but in fact. I just wanted to write down how I have been feeling and start moving forward from this spell. I am taking positive steps and responsibility for my emotions, which in itself has given me a much required boost. Owning and accepting my depression takes away its power. I have also taken some needed rest and enjoyed some ‘me time’ having completed the last of my physical challenges for ‘30 things for 30 years’ (more on that soon!). I am now actually a blonde (well, bronde) as I felt a change was needed – I now have my own little sunshine glow.
The fog in my mind is dispersing. I am confident that my next post will be a much more lively one and that good things are coming. As always, your lack of judgement on this blog, and in life, is so incredibly affirming and it gives me the strength to be myself.
I show my scars so that others may know that they can feel too 🌺